I Love and Want To Have Sex With The Flag of the United States of America

I love my country more than life itself, and you can't say anything to change my mind. You can tell me the president is an idiot, you can say the armed forces are a mindless killing machine, you can say democracy is just a suggestion box for slaves; none of it will derail me from my unwavering belief that America is right and good and backed by this world's one true Christian God. My proof? Our nation's most important symbol, the American Flag. Just look at it:


How can you want to look at anything else for the rest of your life? Really. I have my bedroom decorated with fifty-seven American Flags: one for each state, and one for each future state (Puerto Rico, Iraq, Syria, Iran, China, North Korea, and The Canadas). Such an enduring and empowering symbol is beyond comparison to anything else in the history of existence. Some would have the Constitution as our Great Godly Nation's most important symbol, but that's ridiculous. The Constitution and its values are changeable, and imminently flawable. The Flag, by contrast, is an unwavering symbol of our nation's solidarity and allegiance with everything that is right and holy. In God's heaven. On God's Earth. In God's brain. Because I know what's in God's brain, and it looks an awful lot like the good ol' stars-'n'-stripes!

When I'm stressed about world events and the problems people are causing for themselves, I just relax and imagine the American Flag waving in the sweet American breeze. It waves in a land free of dictators and theocrats who say, "If you're not for us, you're against us," or who try to censor free speech. It waves unobstructed by mortar explosions and bullets piercing the gaping flesh of dying children. It waves proud over an uncorrupt land and casts fear into the hearts of our enemies. Our Flag is ecstatic to fly over a land where Martial Law is something to look forward to in the event of a large-scale terrorist attack or disease outbreak. After all, how could Martial Law be a bad thing under any government guided by the rock-solid principles of the U.S. Flag?

Some days, I'm unable to attend work or social events because I'm so far in the throes of rapture produced by the Flag. I'm about to go to my local Flag quilting society, when I see the Flag at Perkins, and it just strikes me blind and renders my anal sphincter useless. You know you're truly American when the Flag has caused you to shit yourself. I then lay around in my filth and speak in tongues about the Flag.

I often masturbate when thinking about the Flag and its thirteen alternating stripes of red and white, and its field of fifty white stars on the blue background of God's sky. I wish I could form my own man cum stars on a blank blue background of a flag, but that would be disrespect according to US Code Title 4, Chapter 1 - The Flag, Section 3: "The flag should never be used as a receptacle for receiving, holding, carrying, or delivering anything." Sadly, it's illegal for the Flag to be my semen receptacle.

I think it's appropriate for the Flag to be protected by laws, and lots of 'em! Some say it violates our free expression to do so, but I think that free speech is obviously limited by what our God and government (and therefore Flag) deem acceptable. What other way could it be? And would God accept desecrating the highest symbol of the greatest nation in history, a nation that has endured as the best for almost 250 years?! I think not.

Our Flag strikes fear into the hearts of our enemies and inspires respect from our allies, who want nothing more than to be just like America. Any dissent *cough! France, cough!* is purely a result of jealousy. The French are just bitter that we've been a nation for longer than they have and that our democracy is the longest lasting one in history.

I feel that the Flag will ultimately bring world peace and we will all be one democratic nation, under the Flag and God. No other nation's flag is even remotely as awe-inspiring as ours. What more could the un-free infidels of the world want? Plus, they would be allowed into the inner sanctum of Flag appreciation, after they go through the citizenship process and become Americans legally. This would grant the whole world permission to have the same feelings I do for our Flag and all it stands for.

So don't come down on me about how George Bush is a liar war criminal who misled his people in the lead-up to an unjust war. First of all, any war under the Flag of the US of A is automatically a just one. It says so in the Bible, I think, though I haven't read much of it, so I'm not sure. Secondly, how could such a Godly man of such unmoveable moral character possibly mislead us? It's clear he is at the end of a spiritual conduit with God himself, and therefore also with the Flag. Has the Flag ever lied to you about a war before? That's what I thought.

The Flag, and God, and the president all know, just as well as I do, that there's no such thing as unjust war as long as the soldiers are wearing uniforms. It just so happens that the way you win a war is to put the American Flag on the uniform. That's why we've never lost! U-S-A! U-S-A!

If only the rest of the world had an understanding of our Flag like I do, it would be better off. People in Darfur are killing one another because they don't have an appropriate view of religion and the Christian God, and the Flag. It's a simple matter of a little thing called the First Commandment, "Thou shalt not kill!" If they were American Christians like me, they would know killing is wrong...except in a few very limited circumstances:

1) A just war fought under the American Flag (which, as I've said, is ANY war fought under the American Flag).
2) Death penalty in our American penal system.
3) Necessary political assassinations.
4) "Protection killings" of abortion doctors.
5) The dropping of two nuclear warheads on Japan in WWII, as well as the fire-bombings of Tokyo and 66 other cities, resulting in 720,000 combined Japanese deaths.
6) The necessary killing we did as Americans to eradicate the British in the revolutionary war. Hey! We were here first anyway, it's our country!
7) Death penalty for any actual or suspected terrorist, anarchist, atheist, libertarian, or dissenter (as if those words even mean different things).
8) Those who expire from old age or violent rape while in prison on even the slightest of drug charges.
9) Everyone who dies as a result of the U.S. government (and therefore the Flag) giving aid to foreign governments. (It's a lot, but it's worth it, and justified)
10) Any time a police officer or soldier needs to kill someone for whatever reason the deem necessary. It's a little known fact that simply wearing a uniform with the Flag on it actually absolves you of anything that would normally be considered morally wrong.
11) The Civil War. Those idiots tried to make a different flag. See how that one worked out?
12) Any other killing deemed appropriate by the government under God and the Flag.

As you can see, American attitudes toward killing are healthy and informed by the same Ten Commandments that should grace the doorways of each and every public establishment in the country. They're doing genocide in Darfur. GENOCIDE! We all know the US and its Flag won't stand for that. We were quick to respond to the European pleas for help in World War II because of all that genocide. The only reason Hitler had taken over the bulk of Europe and killed six million jews by the time we got there was because the Europeans were lazy and didn't have something like the American Flag to inspire them!

So the next time you question your government's authority, think of how silly you're acting! Any nation founded on such a fine symbol as the Flag could never go wrong, not even in a million years!